The effects of social media


This is my final paper, this paper is about the effects of social media has on young minds and how they are constantly eexposed to self harm and suicide at a young age. Throughout the essay, I want it to be argued that parents should closely monitor their children’s app and behavior. When Gen-Z was growing up, since it was the beginning of new technologny and social media, we were often left unsupervised and because of that we were exposed to ideas and images we sholdn’t have. This argumentative essay is to highlight why children should be restricted when it comes to Social media.

This is the feedback my teacher left me after my first draft

Thank you for submitting your first draft. I’ll detail some feedback below…

Introduction: Your introduction is really long! There’s a lot of information in there that I don’t quite see connecting to your main idea. Is there a way that we can pare down the introduction so that we are really getting to the heart of what you’re hoping to argue? For instance, the stuff about the internet being user-generated feels, well, too general. The introduction is a place for us to really hear the context of the inquiry and argument on which you’re focusing.

Argument/thesis: I’m not sure what you’re arguing. It seems that you’re saying that the internet has made it easier for young people and children to gain access to content on the internet that includes/inspires them to self-harm. This feels more like a fact than it does a debatable argument. Think of the conversations that are going on around this really important issue and figure out where you stand in one of those conversations — this is where you’ll find an argument.

Outside resources/evidence:  You use your outside sources well, but I’m not yet seeing what your contribution is. You want to give us some background information and “data” from your evidence and sources — but we also primarily want to see what you have to say. This is what I meant above when I said locating a conversation and putting yourself within it. Right now I don’t know how these pieces of evidence fit into a larger conversation, and I’m not yet sure what you have to say about these matters. Your opinion is the most important thing here!

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